By John McDonnell
One thing about parenting, there’s always somebody telling you that you’re doing it wrong. Mothers-in-law are good at that, along with best-selling books like “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”. This new book by Amy Chua will make even the strictest parents feel like they’re too soft on their kids.
“Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” is basically saying that Asian mothers are more successful parents because they push their kids harder. Amy Chua cheerfully recounts the way she pushed her two daughters to succeed in school by hectoring them constantly to study harder, telling them they couldn't bring home anything less than an "A" in every subject, and not allowing them to have sleepovers, play dates, or extra-curricular activities besides music lessons.
This is a mother who sat in on all her daughters’ music lessons, took notes, and then monitored their practices at home to make sure they were doing what the teacher instructed them to do. Her infamous quote in this regard is that American mothers think one hour of practice is enough. “For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It’s hours two and three that get tough.”
Predictably, this book has generated a storm of protest from guilt-ridden American parents, some of whom resent the implication that they are unconcerned with their children's welfare, that they're absentee moms, and that their children will never succeed in life because they don't know how to work hard.
My wife and I have discussed the book, and so have our four children. The consensus among our kids is that they think Amy Chua is crazy; no surprise there.
We do wonder sometimes if we were too easy on our children, and Amy's strict parenting style seems a reproach when you have kids who were not first in their class in any subject, and who we could barely get to practice 30 minutes on their musical instruments, much less three hours.
There are no instruction manuals when you bring a baby home from the hospital, and although we tried to read the latest books about parenting, when our kids were young we were mostly too busy and too tired to do much reading. We made it up on the fly, based on our own common sense and what we learned from our parents growing up. We made mistakes, in varying degrees, but we also had some successes.
Compared to Amy Chua we were soft American parents. We let the kids have cell phones, sleepovers, and play sports. We did not call them "garbage" (a quote from Amy's book) if they brought home a "B". We did not monitor every minute of their lives.
The jury is still out, but at this point it looks like we raised four kids who are reasonably smart and successful in school, and who have a good deal of self-confidence. They are reasonably independent, and they have good values. Nobody has played the violin at Carnegie Hall, and we have no Ivy League grads so far, but they also haven't made any bad judgments or gone down all the many treacherous paths they could have taken, and people tell us they are all personable, confident, polite, and fun to be around.
The Chinese style of parenting is not for everyone. It's not even for many Chinese, if you believe the reports in the Wall Street Journal that say even in China some parents are trying to loosen their grip, because the government is trying to encourage more creativity and less conformity and rote learning. It seems that maybe the Tiger style of mothering is too harsh, and creates children who grow up to be too reliant on outside forces to motivate them, instead of being motivated from within.
The one thing I know is that the Tiger style of parenting will be a fad for awhile, but then someone else will come along with another approach, and parents will all think they're doing it wrong if they don't follow that approach. The pendulum swings back and forth all the time. I've learned from parenting four kids that there is no template for raising each child, and that what works for one child may not work for his or her sibling. No matter how many parenting books you read, parenting is still a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants endeavor.
Tiger mothering may work for tigers, but it has to be modified for humans.
To me (and my free-spirited American brain) it feels like she is creating little robot children. Maybe my daughter won't win the Pulitzer, but she's happy, she's healthy, she's a free-thinker, and she's independant. And that's how I love her.
ReplyDeleteJohn, You raised four kids successfully without all the restrictions and pressures that Amy Chua used - and so did many other parents. What happened is that she robbed her children of that most precious of times in their lives - their childhood.
ReplyDeleteI'm old-fashioned in some respects, believe that children should be courteous, responsible, and respectful, and I shudder at the way many kids these are brought up to do what they want, leading to a sense of entitlement. However, I believed that it was more important for my kids to enjoy the fun and freedom of childhood than to study hard and get straight As. I'm proud to say that they both turned to be hard-workers and responsible human beings, successful in their chosen life paths.
Being a helicopter mum or dad is not going to endear you to your children. I have met a lot of kids - Chinese and not - who are utterly crushed by the notions their parents have of how they should 'be'. It is devastating to watch children who would otherwise be free and lovely and children, rather than successful 'products'. It is very sad to see them lose personality, freedom and potential.
ReplyDeleteSuccess is a relative term - for us in this family (with two teenagers) success is finding the middle path that allows you a bit of everything you might need in adulthood. The pursuit of perfection is a very demoralizing path. The pursuit of happiness likewise. They are both notions pressed upon one group on another.
The only thing you have to teach your children is how to learn. They find out that learning cannot be done if they over-indulge or abuse freedom, food, or friendship. Their own outcomes show them. You also need to show them your expectations, and how your own ambitions FOR YOURSELF worked out, and why YOU missed out on some things.
Being ambitious for your children is being a petty tyrant and being misled. You want your children to love and respect you, not fear you and desire freedom from you.
So what if they can play the fiddle like Paganini, or run a corporation at 17!! They will have lost such a lot in the process, and it's a shame.
If they want it for themselves it's fair enough, and some of them do, whether or not their parents breathe down their neck at all hours.
Children need privacy, but need to be shown the ropes and they need to be taught about consequences. They learn quickly (it takes all high school) but they learn - and they make their own brilliant successes. No parent can say "I did that!" like a strict Chinese parent... but they can be proudly surprised by the successes of their well raised kids and say, "How did he do that!" and know you had something to do with it.
These are very thoughtful comments, everyone, and I am encouraged by your wisdom. In raising my four children I have observed many demanding parents, especially in sports, and I've seen many children who are trying so hard to please their parents that they get nervous and stressed out. When my oldest daughter was 12 and playing basketball I saw a girl on the other team crying her eyes out after the game because her coach had yelled at her so much during the game -- and her team had won! It was a beautiful sunny day outside, and I remember thinking that this was a child who should have been outside playing in the sun instead of inside a gym getting berated by a pot-bellied guy who was taking out his frustrations on her. Too many adults these days are robbing children of their childhoods by demanding perfection in school, in sports, in music, etc., instead of just letting them be children. The "Chinese Mother" model is really more about the parent than the child.
ReplyDeleteWell one thing for sure is that Amy Chua isn't winning any awards for parenting.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in the Middle East but back home I had cousins, friends who thought it was "common" and "normal" to be scolded for not getting an A. And when I talked swimming classes, personality development, debate clubs...I felt like an alien. The trend of extra curricular activities is relatively new this end. My school had plenty things to indulge (besides academics) but then again I had classmates who went back home all jittery just because they didn't have an all A report card.
Even when I meet children (I am a counselor) their main concern is communication with parents. Well like you said, it is more about the mother than the child.