10 New Year's Resolutions You Can Break Without Feeling Guilty

By John McDonnell

Most of us start the new year with a lot of big plans for changing our lives, but we lose momentum around January 6 and by the end of the month our resolutions are a distant memory -- and that’s when the guilt starts.

Here is a list of resolutions for people who are good at breaking resolutions. They’re resolutions that you won’t feel guilty about breaking; in fact, you should feel terrific about breaking these ones.

1. Get less sleep. Who needs sleep? It’s a waste of time, and we could spend that time on video games, social networking, email, TV, and any of a dozen other activities that  give us the buzz that makes us forget how tired we are. Besides, if we needed so much sleep anyway, why did God create caffeine?
2. Eat more fast food. Vegetables are boring. Just pound down another burger, fries, and supersize soda and let your digestive system handle the problem of trying to get something nutritious out of all that junk.
3. Avoid exercise at all costs. There is absolutely no reason to walk when you can get in a car and ride somewhere, even if it’s to the end of the driveway to pick up the mail. Gym memberships are expensive, and all those sweaty bodies are no fun to be around.
4. Do not talk to people unless absolutely necessary. People are stupid and they have nothing interesting to say. There is no point in interacting with them unless you have a screen in front of you.
5. Spend more time online. The real world is a place where there are rainy days, demanding bosses, crabby co-workers, and family members who expect things from you just because you’re related to them. It’s much more fun to live in the virtual world where you can be a superhero or hot babe, and conquer worlds with the click of a mouse. Of course, it’s all fantasy, but what’s wrong with that?
6. Do not ever read anything longer than a text message again. What’s the point of books and newspapers anyway? All those words, and really, what are they saying? Stupid stuff about politics and history, science, morality. And poetry -- what’s up with that? Why can’t those people just say what they mean?
7. Run your credit card up to the max. There are so many shiny toys to buy, and if you have a credit card why not use it? Saving money is for sissies. When the credit card bill comes in pay the minimum amount, because, hey, you need the extra money to buy more stuff.
8. Do not practice random acts of kindness. There is no reason to smile at strangers, compliment your co-workers, pat someone on the back, or do anything that might bring happiness to someone’s life. People are just obstacles in your way each day, and it’s a waste of time to take your headphones off and engage with them.
9. Do not have a positive attitude. Life sucks and there is no reason to pretty it up. If something bad can happen it will; that’s just keeping it real.
10.  Do not ever ask Big Questions. There’s too much manufactured excitement every minute of the day to ask questions like: Why am I here? What am I doing with my life? Am I being the best that I can be? Those kind of questions take too much time off the merry-go-round to answer, and it’s easier to just flit from one attention-grabbing item to the next as the day goes by.

There you have it, ten New Year’s resolutions that you can break without feeling guilty. In fact,if you break even one of these resolutions, you can look back next December 31 and figure you had a pretty good year.

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