I Am Not Keith Richards

By John McDonnell

So Keith Richards has written his autobiography, and he’s being interviewed everywhere. The infamous Rolling Stone guitarist with the face that looks like old shoe leather has told all in an autobiography that has lots of spicy stories about his wayward life.

Apparently there’s enough detail about his extensive drug use that Disney is rumored to be thinking of writing his character out of the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie. “Keef” doesn’t fit in with Disney’s squeaky clean image, even if he is portraying the scruffy, disreputable father of Johnny Depp’s only slightly less scruffy Captain Jack Sparrow character.

If Disney needs a replacement, they could call me. I’m the polar opposite of Keith Richards. I’m a family man, I don’t do drugs, I’ve never been arrested, I don’t interrupt when someone else is speaking, and I shave every day. I’m what’s known as a Nice Guy.

That’s what I’ve been called pretty much my whole life. As in, “Gee, you’re such a nice guy, John.” I never got into fights as a boy, preferring compromise over confrontation. I’ve always been polite, respectful, positive. A Nice Guy.

The trouble is, nice guys don’t make headlines. It’s not a popular thing these days. People don’t aspire to be a nice guy anymore. “Nice guys finish last,” isn’t that the saying? Women say they’re looking for a nice guy, but their actions betray their words because they sometimes end up with a guy that looks like he has a sketchy relationship with things like soap, water, and manners.

There are no nice guys in popular music. Can you imagine a nice guy rapper? Shouting rhymes about how he opens doors for women? Don’t count on that happening any time soon.

It’s not just rap music. Keith Richards and his bandmates have a long history of writing songs that celebrate bad behavior towards women. From “Under My Thumb” to “Stupid Girl” to albums of others, there are very few Stones songs that would qualify as nice guy songs.

Maybe I feel this way because I live in the Northeast corridor of the U.S. Nobody in this part of the world aspires to be a nice guy. In fact, I think it’s actually illegal in New York city. Police are trained to take down nice guys because they’re almost as dangerous as terrorists. A cab driver who let someone switch lanes in front of him out of politeness would probably cause a massive traffic accident.

I’ve heard rumors that there are still some nice guys left in the South, but they’re a dying breed, rapidly being replaced by redneck comedians and Florida State football players.

I could get mad about it, but nice guys are non-confrontational. The most we do is get a little passive aggressive, maybe make a few wisecracks about how ridiculous it looks for a 67 year old like Keith Richards to be wearing leather pants, bandanas, and jewelry in his hair.

It’s just the way things are. Bad boys get all the headlines, while nice guys stay in the background doing all the boring little things that keep civilization from spiraling back into the Stone Age. Nobody wants to read the autobiography of a nice guy. We want to read about the crazy bad boys, the ones whose lives are filled with drama every day.

That’s okay, though. I wish Keith the best. He’s created some great music along with that bad boy image. He’s even given up drugs, or so he claims in his autobiography, and he’s devoted to his family. I hope he has many more years ahead of him.

But if my daughters ever want to marry somebody like him, it’s no more Mr. Nice Guy for me.